Tragedy and Heartbreak

It has taken a little while for me to be able to write this, so I'm going to come right out with the bad news right up front: my good, sweet, funny dog L is dead.

I know I have been off the blogs for a while... I had prior intentions of posting so many happy updates of flowers and gardens... of B's great agility debut, and how great Z has been doing, and family vacations... of our friend's miraculous response to treatment for stage IV melanoma. But then....

It appears that L was running though the hayfield (one of his favorite things to do) when his heart short-circuited and he just dropped in his tracks. It seems that it was very, very sudden and that he didn't suffer at all. And we can be grateful for that, even as we struggle to understand.

The long story is that we didn't see it happen even though we were outside with the dogs. He must have silently dropped down into the tall grass without disturbing the surrounding hay. It was early evening, and it seemed like he had just vanished into thin air. We didn't find his body for nearly 12 hours of frantic, panicked searching. I can't describe what that night was like - I don't think I stopped hyperventilating the whole night, and I became quite physically ill. Our property is fenced, and the dogs have never gotten out before. And even if he had gotten out, I couldn't imagine him going anywhere. And even if he had, say, chased a deer, he would have come back when he heard us calling - he was very good about coming when he was called, and we searched through all the fields and hills and woods, calling and calling. So, I knew in my heart that something had happened, and even after we stayed up all night making posters and flyers and lists, once day broke Mr. Geek and my mother-in-law began doing a grid search of the hayfield, while I drove around to vet clinics and shelters.

My mother-in-law found his body, a few yards in from one edge of the field. The hay was so tall and thick, you couldn't see him unless you were right on top of him, and even though we had walked around the field several times scanning for disturbances, we never saw him.

We had a necropsy done to try to get some answers - after all, L was only 6 years old, and very fit. They were not able to find anything wrong. No signs of trauma of any sort, no internal bleeding, all internal organs looked normal, no lesions or tumors, no sign of poisoning. The best guess is a specific problem with the electrical system in his heart that often leaves no evidence behind. If that is the case, then there's nothing that anyone could have done.

L was the most fun, the most personable, the most exasperating, the most handsome, the most athletic, the most verbally expressive dog. It is so quiet without him - even with 3 dogs, 2 cats, and 2 humans living together in a small house, it seems that L accounted for about 95% of the noise. I miss him so much. I miss the little explosion that happened every time he went out the door. I miss his waggle and monkey noises every time I came home. I miss how excited he always was about life. I miss the little stripe on his face and the naughty spots on his legs. I am so heartbroken.

Running agility together taught us to communicate with each other on a different level, and I am so glad that we had that, even if it makes this hurt more now. And for as much as L liked running agility with me, his true calling in life was being Mr. Geek's little farm dog. It has been hard for me to see Mr. Geek hurting so badly and missing L so much, too. Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote, "It is such a secret place, the land of tears." But Mr. Geek and I have been in that secret land together every step of the way, and I know that we will eventually find our way out together. I'm glad that we have each other, and we've had so much support from family and friends and co-workers and neighbors. And I'm glad that we have B and Z, who are doing their best to make sure that we don't stay sad all the time.

I don't think I will be blogging much in the near future. My heart just isn't in it right now. My heart isn't in a lot of things right now. But I wanted to at least let people know why... anyone who has followed this blog knows how much L meant to us, and how hard it has been to lose him so suddenly and unexpectedly.

Rest in peace, my good, special little boy.

For those who aren't familiar with L's story, it can be found here (part I) and here (part II), and the story of finishing 3rd in the 20-inch class at the NADAC Championships in 2009 can be found here.